An open letter to my current self

Jean,

I’m sitting in this old wooden chair right now, staring at this blank page with a tired and pale face, sweaty and trembling hands, trying to catch every letter in the alphabet to weave it into words and sentences that can do something magical in your life but, I never thought it will be this difficult.

In your nineteen years of existence, I believe it was full of big dreams and worst nightmares. It was nineteen years of swimming with the monsters and fairies in this sea of life. And within those years, I know you’ve felt every emotion- bliss and sadness, anger and faith, fear and trust, courage and anxiety, lost and love. I want to write you a letter to remind (reassure) you that you do masterpieces and you are a masterpiece.

I am so proud of what and who you are today. I’m glad you made it this far. I am so happy to see you smiling. And yes, I know, there may be times that life seems to have a fever that affects your whole system, there may be days when you cry yourself to sleep, there may be days when you’re making your coffee and the thought of being not enough hits you, there may be days when He seems to be far away, and you know what? There will always be days like that, and that’s okay. You are allowed to get hurt, but I hope you don’t let it consume you (not again).

I want to remind you that nightmares may not rhyme with dreams but it can stitch your fate in a way you have never imagined. Don’t give up on yourself the way others did. It was not your faith in God that failed you; it was your faith in people who brought pain and bitterness in your heart. Forgive others and forgive yourself. You are your own hero. No, God is your hero. Let go and let God do the wonders. Don’t let sadness and depression paralyze your mind. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Be kind to yourself as you do with people. Be soft and be brave. Remember, you’re more than a princess, you’re a princess’ warrior. Free that warrior inside you.

I challenge you to dream big dreams and to be blessed and be a blessing. Let your hands always be open to catch God’s graces. And even challenges. You get scratches and bruises from catching life’s problems, and that’s okay. Your scars are not a shame. Your scars bear the greatest story of your life.

Get rid of those dark thoughts you have; and swim in the ocean full of hope, happiness, faith, and courage. Take the risk of trying new things and to trust again. I dare you to be in love; be in love with your own mind and heart, be in love with people, be in love with yourself, be in love with life, and to keep on falling in love with the every atom that composes this universe. Always keep in mind that this life is a roller coaster ride, that in spite of the bitterness of life, happiness will always be worthwhile. Never stop on realizing things, learning, and growing. Paint your life with the different color shades that are therein. And out of the many colors of the string of fate and life, I believe you will pick colors that have lessons that are worth learning for. I believe in you and so the others who give importance to your existence.

Believe that you will always be prayed and loved for. You’re bigger than all your flaws and problems summed up. You’re bigger than you fears and pain. You’re bigger than all those things. And God is bigger than anything. He sees you, sweetheart, he sees you. He wants you to be saved. Cling on to Him. Don’t let go of His hand. No, not ever. And never ever forget to pray.

You are a work of art- engraved by the Great Artist. You are a masterpiece created by the Most High who is worth more than anything. Thus, YOU matter. You always matter.

Lovingly hoping,
Yourself 

 

c1e_o5xviaacz8z

 

P.S. Don’t lose that smile. Please.

 

An open letter to my current self

What I Have Discovered About Love

I am a firm believer of magic, fairytales, happy ever after, forever- a believer of love.
It may sound so childish to still believe in those things, but doesn’t we used to believe in them? To dream about our own love story or how the journey of our love life will unfold?

love love and everything about it.
It makes me happy seeing couples who hold hands while walking. I love hearing partners who say I love you to their love one. I never get tired of watching chick flicks movies no matter how predictable it is. I won’t stop listening to love songs. I’ll never get tired of crying every time I finished a romantic book because I still don’t want to let go of the story. I’ll never get tired of listening to my friends love stories no matter how childish and cliche it seems. I won’t stop watching wedding videos and listening to the couple’s wedding vows. Because I love it. I love how people can become soft and gentle when their hearts are full of love. I love everything about love.

16129337_10208394113992572_938165051_o

When I was a child I was excited to grow up to be able to know how it is to love someone. I was so eager to know more about it, to see more of its magic.

And throughout the years this is what I have discovered:

  1. You can fall in love multiple times.

I’ve fallen in love countless of times. I fall every time my father kisses my forehead, every reminder of my mother, and every sweet gesture of my brother. I fall in love with the sunrise and to how the light creeps into the darkness. I fall in love with how the sky flashes its feelings through its color. I fall in love every setting of the sun, of how it gives way for the moon to breathe. I fall in love with the scars carved in my being, they were a bittersweet and beautiful reminder of my past. I fall in love with the smell of the ground after the rain and the taste of my favorite coffee. I fall in love with every hug and kiss, smile and tears, laughter and frowns, “I love you/s” and “I miss you/s,” I share with different people in this world. I fall in love a thousand times in between moments and million times before. I may not able to remember when the first time was, but I knew it was also magical. You don’t only fall in love with people, you fall in love with every little thing that composes this world.

  1. Love hurts.

I’ve seen how love ruined people, of how it took away others lives; of how it broke many hearts; of how many lungs were intoxicated and lips were burned. I’ve seen people suffer because of it. Love hurts, and love heals. Through raging storms and wild winds, we forgot that love stayed as it is. Those times when we feel love left us, it was only just around the corner, looking at us, whispers- “I’m sorry.” And these are the times I choose to let love invade me because I know, it has nothing to do with my pain. It has always been the circumstances and the person involved. And I’m sorry I will never blame love for it. So, no matter how painful it brings, I will always choose to love in all possible ways. Love hurts… No, love is not supposed to hurt, it heals. I, too, have been hurt because of love. For all the tears, pain, and scars left by love, it doesn’t make me love it less. And every time love appears in front of me, I just can’t stop myself from falling for it.

  1. Sometimes, the love you give won’t be reciprocated, and that’s okay.

One of the things my parents taught me is to love fully and unapologetically. Sometimes people will fail to reciprocate the love you’re giving them and it hurts. So much. But, that’s not the very reason why you choose to love, right? You love them because you love them., and not because you are expecting something in return. Yes, we yearn to feel appreciated and loved, who doesn’t? I, too, longs for that. But, I was reminded of God’s love, that no matter how many times we reject His love, He still accepts and continues to love us more each passing day. I am not saying you have to stay in an unrequited love, but you have to accept that the person doesn’t love you the way you want to be loved. Acceptance is part of loving.

  1. Continue to love, anyway.

I just can see any other way to live, but to love everything, even the messiest part of love. Because the truth is, it’s love that makes this world more beautiful.

There maybe days that love seems too out of reach, but love never fails to come closer, again. It’s the most beautiful thing about it, it doesn’t leave. It stays. Always knocking at your door, and it’s up to you if you’ll welcome it.

16144935_10208394114032573_634839193_o

And I am looking forward to more love moments with people, with life, and with the universe. I will continue to love fully, loudly, boldly, and unafraid. I will always choose to love. Because when you love, you become kind, gentle, and soft.

What I Have Discovered About Love

I Am Loved

God is doing something beautiful in my life. He’s doing a completely beautiful work in me. I struggled with self-love for years that I wasn’t able to see and acknowledge the love from the people around me, especially the love that my greatest Lover has for me.

I have suffered from depression and anxiety, though it was not clinically diagnosed (since I was a coward to see a doctor), I knew I had one, I made a thorough research about it and its symptoms and I had it. It was hard to live every day pretending you’re okay when the truth is you’re not. I tried to commit suicide multiple times, but there’s always a force that stops me from doing so. I guess, it was God. It was Him who stops me from ending my life.

One day, I went to a chapel and there I talked to Him.

I was ashamed to face Him. I have sinned so much, and I don’t even know if I have all the right to face Him.

I stared at Him, and He was there on the cross, staring at me with so much love. I broke down in tears. He wants me. Everything about me, from all the messy edges and dark corners of my soul to the whole me. I asked for forgiveness (I took a confession), and guess what He said to me,

My daughter, I love you, and there’s nothing that can change that. Come back home, my paradise is waiting for you. You are forgiven.”

And since then, I choose to live my life with Him.

He never fails to remind me every waking moment of how much I am loved by Him, of how much I am worthy of that love. There is no love like His- love that always leaves me excited; love that always seeks me and fights for me. I know He saw the deep brokenness and rebellion in my heart and He was there, still pursuing me till the very end. He’s filling my empty pockets with graces and faith. I have come to know a God who makes His weak soldiers His heroes; who never leaves His warriors in the middle of a war. I am clothed with sins, but it didn’t make my God love me less. Instead, He has created a new clothing made out of His great love and grace for me to wear. He heals and renews my soul, he forgives and loves me even more.

I am so loved by God that sometimes, it’s really hard to believe. And it’s humbling to know that He loved and will continue to love us despite our imperfections.

“But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” – Romans 5:8

Be encouraged, my friends. This is the truth that was meant for all of us. His love never fails and will never fail. Have faith.

I know, there will still be days where it feels like waking up in the morning seems too hard. There will be days were sadness will take over. There will still be days we may feel like giving up. There will always be days like this. But, the saving power of God also never fails.

Before I started writing this, I opened my Bible and I was affirmed by Psalm 116:1-9, which states,

“I love the LORD, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live. The cords of death entangled me, the anguish of the grave came over me; I was overcome by distress and sorrow. Then I called on the name of the LORD: “LORD, save me!” The LORD is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion. The LORD protects the unwary; when I was brought low, he saved me. Return to your rest, my soul, for the LORD has been good to you. For you, LORD, have delivered me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before the LORDin the land of the living.”

Indeed, how great is our God! I am so grateful to have not ended my life. I am so grateful I let Him take over my life. I am so grateful I let Him be in control.

16128042_10208379661111259_80256470_n

Right now, I am too grateful to feel all the love from all the people around me. I am grateful that I can now see my worth as a daughter of the Most High. I am learning so much and taking the time to understand why things happen the way they have to. I am taking the time to understand all the feelings that occupy my heart because I know I am feeling them for a reason, may it be sadness and happiness, love and pain, or even fear and excitement. I am absorbing the light this world has that peaks through all the darkness that surrounds my soul. It has been a wild ride and it’s still is. My heart is so grateful right now and so as my soul. I am so happy to live in this world that wakes up to the grace and mercy of God. I have never felt so alive before. I’m happy.

Father, thank you for showing me how much I’m worthy and enough. I want to lose myself not to someone, not to the world, but to You, my God! I love you. 

 

I Am Loved

Wait On Love

“You still don’t have a boyfriend?!”

Ladies, I know we have friends and even relatives who are pressuring us to be in a relationship. However, please do not let the pressure pushed you to settle for someone you deserve less.

I believe that to be in a relationship is a preparation for both of you to a path leading to marriage. Yes, you should settle for a man you want to be your husband. Not only the man you want but the man you have prayed for.

Being in a relationship is not just about having a boyfriend/girlfriend. It’s not something we enter just because our other friends already has, nor the pressure by our relatives. We are all encouraged to patiently wait for love until we are in the right period of our faith. Love will show up anytime, but we have to be ready before saying Yes to it.

I know, waiting for love is never easy. There may be times that God allows the frailty of human love, and this is because we have longings in our hearts that only the maker of love can fulfill. Let Him fulfill your love tank first, so that you won’t seek the human love in wrong places. Because truth is, He will give him someday. He will send him to you when you are all set for it.

Guard you heart, sweetheart.

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life (Proverbs 4:23).

Guard you heart for it influences the every aspect of your life. It’s not the only seat of emotions, but it is the core of who you are. Guard your heart because you are on a battlefield. You are in a constant war with all the temptations of this Earth, and your heart is one of the most valuable treasury you have to protect.

Love is not perfect, it is flawed, and have some curvy edges, but it has been perfectly crafted for you. Don’t settle for someone when you know deep in your heart, that love is so much more.

If you have fallen in love and got hurt, that’s okay, darling. Let the Creator of love heal your heartbreak. I know, sometimes love is hard. You get hurt, mad, and broken, but the thing about it is that love always stays. It never leaves. It radiates from one person to another. It lets you grow and evolve into the best version of yourself. It gives you a purpose. It rejects all your worries and what ifs. It teaches you to trust a promise and to be brave in being honest. It has its power to change you over and over. Whether you are at your best or your worst, it stays because love envelopes all of what you are. And when love seems out of reach, fate and heavens will always make a way for you to believe in it again.

Be like Ruth, sweetheart.

Your first relationship may not have last, but God has greater plans for you. When Mahlon died, Ruth did not give up on love, nor became bitter. She obediently followed Christ, and her loyalty to her mother-in-law was strong. When Naomi (Ruth’s mother-in-law) thought that Ruth will no longer find a husband, there was Boaz, a man of character and kindness. God presented Boaz in the story for a reason. Ruth’s love story may not be the typical romance we see on big screens, but it reminds us that God has prepared someone who He knows is the best for us.

Be like Ruth, darling. Do not be in a hurry. Do not be bitter.
He is preparing Him for you.

Like how St. Paul defines love,
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hope, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.” Corinthians 13:4-8

Before anything else, he defines first love is patient. We are encouraged by God to patiently wait for him. And as we wait for him, let us use this time being to also be better for him. Because when the time is right, the right one will pursue you with real and pure intentions.

God will reveal him at the right moment of your life. Wait on love.
He’s on his way to you.

Wait On Love

An open letter from Mr. Right

To the lovely daughter of God,

Mr. Right? Yes, I still do exist. Contrary to what you’ve heard, I’m alive and living. I may not like Prince Charming or Prince Eric or someone like from your favorite chick flicks movies, but yes, I exist. Set aside your daydreams about love and your prince charming, and let me introduce myself.

I swear I am someone who wasn’t born to be neither your Mr. Right nor your forever.  I am not supposed to bump into you and fall in love with you, but God has His amazing plan for us. He has been working with me for years, and I know He is doing the same thing with you. I am aware that we’ve both walked and sinned through this sinful and crazy life. That’s why let’s give each other a time to heal- a time to be whole again after we’ve been wrecked by our past lives. I’m giving you the space and time you deserve and stop myself from pursuing you not until God made it clear that you are healed and you are ready emotionally and spiritually.

Let’s wait for God’s perfect and right timing for love to connect us both. As much as I want to be with you, let’s have patience in waiting for that timing He promised us. A little suffering is incomparable to a lifetime with you. Let’s use this time being to strengthen our faith. Just patience, my love, patience.

Another thing is, God asked me to be so much like Christ that you can submit yourself to me and you too is asked to point me to Jesus through your actions. Can you do that now? Because I don’t think I can do that yet, however when God gives me the sign and peace about my continual growth of faith, I will obediently seek after you. Run to Christ, my love, and I will gladly follow you. You will know that it is me you’re waiting for because I will respectfully pursue you with true, pure, and clear intentions. You will know that it is me because I’ll be respectful of you and not flirt with you just because I’m bored. You will know it’s me because I will love your soul better than your body. You will know it’s me because I will respect your emotional and physical boundaries. You will know it’s me because I will be more interested in your faith and connection with Jesus more than the romantic and physical connections we have.

So, please wait for me, my love. Wait for both of us. Wait because God is telling you to wait. Wait because we have so much learning and growing to do– you and me. And wait because everything will be worth it. The reason why I’m not seeking after you is because I’m not ready and the reason why you are not being pursued because you’re not also ready. Let’s give each other a little more time, my love. Together, let’s submit individually to God. Let’s trust God in whatever plans He has for us. Not until we’re both ready, I’ll be waiting for the time I can already pursue you. I’m praying for you. I’m praying for both of us.

Your Mr. Right

An open letter from Mr. Right