God is doing something beautiful in my life. He’s doing a completely beautiful work in me. I struggled with self-love for years that I wasn’t able to see and acknowledge the love from the people around me, especially the love that my greatest Lover has for me.
I have suffered from depression and anxiety, though it was not clinically diagnosed (since I was a coward to see a doctor), I knew I had one, I made a thorough research about it and its symptoms and I had it. It was hard to live every day pretending you’re okay when the truth is you’re not. I tried to commit suicide multiple times, but there’s always a force that stops me from doing so. I guess, it was God. It was Him who stops me from ending my life.
One day, I went to a chapel and there I talked to Him.
I was ashamed to face Him. I have sinned so much, and I don’t even know if I have all the right to face Him.
I stared at Him, and He was there on the cross, staring at me with so much love. I broke down in tears. He wants me. Everything about me, from all the messy edges and dark corners of my soul to the whole me. I asked for forgiveness (I took a confession), and guess what He said to me,
“My daughter, I love you, and there’s nothing that can change that. Come back home, my paradise is waiting for you. You are forgiven.”
And since then, I choose to live my life with Him.
He never fails to remind me every waking moment of how much I am loved by Him, of how much I am worthy of that love. There is no love like His- love that always leaves me excited; love that always seeks me and fights for me. I know He saw the deep brokenness and rebellion in my heart and He was there, still pursuing me till the very end. He’s filling my empty pockets with graces and faith. I have come to know a God who makes His weak soldiers His heroes; who never leaves His warriors in the middle of a war. I am clothed with sins, but it didn’t make my God love me less. Instead, He has created a new clothing made out of His great love and grace for me to wear. He heals and renews my soul, he forgives and loves me even more.
I am so loved by God that sometimes, it’s really hard to believe. And it’s humbling to know that He loved and will continue to love us despite our imperfections.
“But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” – Romans 5:8
Be encouraged, my friends. This is the truth that was meant for all of us. His love never fails and will never fail. Have faith.
I know, there will still be days where it feels like waking up in the morning seems too hard. There will be days were sadness will take over. There will still be days we may feel like giving up. There will always be days like this. But, the saving power of God also never fails.
Before I started writing this, I opened my Bible and I was affirmed by Psalm 116:1-9, which states,
“I love the LORD, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live. The cords of death entangled me, the anguish of the grave came over me; I was overcome by distress and sorrow. Then I called on the name of the LORD: “LORD, save me!” The LORD is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion. The LORD protects the unwary; when I was brought low, he saved me. Return to your rest, my soul, for the LORD has been good to you. For you, LORD, have delivered me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before the LORDin the land of the living.”
Indeed, how great is our God! I am so grateful to have not ended my life. I am so grateful I let Him take over my life. I am so grateful I let Him be in control.
Right now, I am too grateful to feel all the love from all the people around me. I am grateful that I can now see my worth as a daughter of the Most High. I am learning so much and taking the time to understand why things happen the way they have to. I am taking the time to understand all the feelings that occupy my heart because I know I am feeling them for a reason, may it be sadness and happiness, love and pain, or even fear and excitement. I am absorbing the light this world has that peaks through all the darkness that surrounds my soul. It has been a wild ride and it’s still is. My heart is so grateful right now and so as my soul. I am so happy to live in this world that wakes up to the grace and mercy of God. I have never felt so alive before. I’m happy.
Father, thank you for showing me how much I’m worthy and enough. I want to lose myself not to someone, not to the world, but to You, my God! I love you.