Hopeful Romantic

Why do people call it hopeless? The way people romanticizes about love, I mean. The love storytellers, chick-flick watchers, day-dreamers, fairy tale believers, those who patiently wait and pray for The One, those who always choose to love despite the pain, why are they called hopeless romantics?

I don’t know why people call it hopeless because what I see is hope. Hopeful lovers, hopeful romantics. That one day the one they’ve been waiting for will come. Who will pursue them consistently and passionately with authentic and genuine kindness and love, and they will pursue them in return.

Maybe one day,
Yes, one day.

And you know what, I can’t see hopelessness in there. All I can see is hope. Hope that they’ll continue to patiently wait. Hopeful that their story will beautifully bloom because they know that the one writes it is the one who made love. Hopeful for the man/woman who was molded by God for them.

I know sometimes waiting is hard and it hurts, but they chose to hold hope in romance and more importantly, to the one who made it.

Hope that she won’t give up on love.
Not yet, not ever.

I praise God for you Hopeful Romantic. And I am praying for you and for the person that God has prepared for you.

IDK

These past weeks has been so hard, rough, exhausting, and frustrating. I took a hundred steps backward to calm myself, to hide for a moment. I thought I was safe, but it’s still there following me. The shivers, the sweat, the screams and the cries, NOT AGAIN.

I was done with this war. Or maybe I thought was done with it. I don’t have the strength to fight against the monsters. They’re here again. They’re digging up the graves that have been forgotten. Wounds opening up again. Scars that has long been beautiful in my eyes, feels like a stained paint I wanna washed. I am tired of this. I cry every day wishing my tears would drown them, but I didn’t know they know how to swim. I was hoping for a light, that maybe it’ll lead me way out. But there was only a lighthouse, but no light. I was okay. Or maybe I was just convincing myself all along that I was okay.

Last night, I had to convince myself why I should not cut through this wrist. Tonight, my brother knocked on my room to ask me if what am I doing inside or if I was okay. And I swear, I heard fear and guilt in his voice as if he would consider himself suspect if I ended it all tonight.

I cried again.

I don’t know what to do.

 

Or maybe I know, I just have to figure how to do it…

 

 

 

And if tomorrow’s sunrise wakes me up,
Please help me to live one more day. And then goodbye.

This is what I learned from regret

It was the fifth time my college Psychology professor told us that there are two kinds of regrets, (1) regrets from things you have done and said, and (2) things you have not done and have not said. And always, always the latter hurts the most and will haunt you for the rest of your life.

And this is the reason why I can’t just keep to myself how much I care and love the people in my circle. I always end up telling them. Every time. Randomly.

And you know what? It feels good to be vocal about your feelings. It’s good to let them know how much you care and love them. It’s good to remind them that even in this busy world, there will always be someone who remembers them. It’s good. It’s good…

But sometimes, it hurts, too. It hurts because oftentimes you get rejected, you’re taken for granted, you’re being laughed at for being clingy, and yes, you sound so weird. It hurts, but it’s good.

But no matter how hurtful it may seem, the fact that you were able to remind people of how much they are loved, that there will always be people who will believe in them, that they will always have someone whom they can lean on, makes everything so worth it.

I was raised by my parents to always express our love and care to everyone because we never know what will happen, we never know how things will turn out in the future. It may be too late for us to tell them that we care and love them. You’ll spend your whole life wondering what would have happened if you had the courage to let it out. Let it out or else you’ll stay hung up In your feelings forever.

I am hopeful to life, hopeful to people.
I don’t care how will they see me for being open about my love and care, I will continue to be vocal about it.

Because honestly, sometimes, it’s the “I’m here for you, always,” “You are prayed,” “Thank you for existing,” “You are loved,” are the words we need.

I don’t want to spend my years staying inside my own shell, protecting my own feelings, hiding everything. No. I want to be honest, open, and hopeful.

And I’ll start it by telling you, “I will be with you when you are at your highest, clapping my hands for you, and I will be with you with arms open when you feel like the world is against you. Yes, I will always be here for you because I care for you. Always have, always will.”

YOU

It was you
It’s still you
the person my mind keeps on screaming;
the name I write at the back of my notebooks;
the subject of my write-ups;
the receiver of my love notes;
the thought in my mind;
the blood running through my veins;
the air to every breath;
the color to my world;
everything is about you
It was you,
It’s still you,
i see you in all things,
in every blue and yellow;
in moments of grey,
and days it rained red.
you, you, you,
it’s you all along
and forever will be

burnt pages

i wonder why i always let people come into the story
offer them some of the pages of the book
letting them spill their selves
always trying to array their lost letters
for them to be a complete paragraph
but always, always, at the end of every chapter
they choose to burn the pages
where they have written their parts
and it hurts to see them turn to ashes

I’m Drunk, I Love You feels

My I’m Drunk, I Love You feels have been long overdue, but I just can’t stop it.

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My friends and I decided to watch I’m Drunk, I Love You on the last day of showing of the movie and it was so good, more than good. This movie just hits me right in the feels. I understand that there are some who can’t relate to it, but those who have experienced unrequited love and those who love to drink beer may actually love the style and the transition of the scenes in the movie. Everything is just so realistic.

It just portrays that love is not all about how long you have been with the person or how deep your friendship is, and sometimes love may occur (we thought) at the right time, but with the wrong person. Love makes you wait, not for a happy ending with the person you’re waiting, but with yourself.

I’m Drunk, I Love You is not your typical and cliche love story between boy-girl best friends. It’s not a story of boy meets girl, the girl fell in love with her best friend and endured a one-sided love for years, hoping that the guy is also in love with her and see her not as his best friend, but as a woman. And poof happy ever after. No. That’s not how this movie goes. I’m Drunk, I Love You has no dramatic lines, no absurd scenes, no melodramatic twist and turns, it’s all pure realistic storytelling of one-sided love with a best friend.

The aesthetics, the realistic scenes, the dialogues, the characters, the music, everything was just so perfect!

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And here are some of the things I learned from the movie:

  1. Live at your own pace.

Dio has been struggling with his insecurities and frustrations on his ambitions. He compares himself to his classmates that have made a name for themselves, those who have earned various opportunities and acclaim in the film industry.

And in one way or another, at some point in our lives, we have been like Dio. We have compared ourselves to others who have achieved great things at their young age. We become frustrated to the point that we look down on ourselves already. We feel helpless, hopeless, and left behind. But we have to remember that life is not a race.  It’s okay to be competitive, but we must not lose ourselves in the competition we are in. We have to live our lives at our own pace and to persevere in reaching and achieving our goals and dreams.

  1. Time check

I love the wisdom behind Jason Ty’s “Time check-,” it simply reminds us that clock is ticking, time is running, some things must be said and done. It’s a reminder for us that we are here on Earth to live, and sometimes we can’t grow if we won’t let ourselves grow. It’s a reminder for Carson and for us that we won’t be able to move on if we won’t give ourselves the closure we want.

  1. Say it and Let go

It takes a lot of courage to admit to the person you’re in love with him (for seven years) especially if he’s your best friend. But you’ll never be able to move on without letting it out. You’ll spend the rest of your life wondering how things would have to turn out.

And if you had the courage to tell him how you really feel, you also have to be brave in accepting his response because not every “I love you” is answered with “I love you, too,” sometimes you’ll get an “I’m sorry” in return.

The movie reminds us to take every chance and drop every fear – to be brave. Carson has been on the cliff for seven years- her love for Dio, her overstay in the university or her delayed graduation. And this shows us that sometimes we have to take the chance for us to move forward and be free.

  1. There will always be a PatHy (yes with an H) in every story

Of course, there will always be a Pathy in a relationship, a past Pathy, a could have been Pathy, a Pathy that will suddenly appear, but a Pathy will never be a threat as long as the love between both of you is true; as long as there is trust; as long as you’re both honest with each other. And sometimes a Pathy is not a rival, but a reminder why you’re better off friends with the person.

  1. We always have that Jason Ty in our lives

Jason Ty is Carson’s gay best friend, and like any other close friends we have, we always have that one person that’s been our rock in times when katangahan hits us. There will always be that Jason Ty who always tells us about our foolishness, but never leaves you hanging. The person who will support you always, but never fails to remind us when to stop. And like Jason Ty, we all just want to be loved.

  1. You can be a Carson

We have been Carson in one way or another. We have been in an unrequited love with our best friend or to someone. We continue to hope and wish even if the answer to our questions is right in front of us. “Iba pa rin pala pag sinampal na sayo ang katotohanan.” It took her 7 years to confess her feelings. That long. But the moment she said “Ga-graduate na ako. Ga-graduate na ako sa lahat (sa feelings ko for Dio),” was a sign of empowerment (for me) to accept the things you can’t change. It was heartbreaking because it feels so real (been there), and we can’t help but weep with her.

7. You’re not a loser for loving someone who can’t love you back.

8. It takes a lot of courage to conquer our fears

We are scared. All of us. Of what we’ll do with our lives. The responsibilities entailed to us. What we will do after we graduate. Are we gonna be successful? Who knows. The burden on our shoulders is sometimes getting heavier that it scares the shit out all of us. But, as what I said in number 1, we should live at our own pace. We are scared and that’s okay, but we should not let it win over our determination to achieve everything.

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This movie is just tragically beautiful. Carson and Dio may not have ended together, but sure there friendship bosom to be stronger.

Some may disagree on how the movie has ended, but I actually agree on how things have turned out to be in the end. It’s funny that I am more into happy endings and happy-ever-after endings, but I have enjoyed it, really. I love it so much. They are just there in their favorite place, drinking their favorite beer, butterball, Carson breaking the silence with “Graduate na ako,” their simple and genuine laugh, everything was just so perfect.

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I’m Drunk, I Love You has been a great reminder for us that we can be foolish, reckless, drunk, carefree, and believe on that YOLO principle, but above this, everything has its own limits.

And at the point when love isn’t reciprocated, when you’ve laid everything on hold, you exposed yourself the way Carson did and you got a similar reaction from Dio, would you forget everything and move on? Is love more important than friendship? Or is friendship more important than love? Will you keep hoping that he will love you back the way you love him? Or will you just let it go?

As what I’ve said, this movie is just everything.
And like the quote that was written in Jason Ty’s wall in his room, “Umibig parati at muli.”

Yes, #toalwayslove.

5/5 stars.

 

God can use you, too, a sinner.

Everyone at some point had shown their prejudices against people. We tend to judge them based on what we only know about them, which is only an excerpt of their stories. We find most people who are in hopeless situations to be hopeless, too. But, we forgot that God is working out behind the scenes. Nobody believes in them. Nobody believed in them more than God did. In fact, in one way or another, we have been one of those people who has felt not being good enough, hopeless, unworthy, and not qualified to be used by God. But would God use our imperfections and flaws against us? Will he use that to stop us from serving Him and His people because we are broken, in pain, a mess? I guess not. That’s not how I’ve known my God.

God’s chosen people were not perfect, golden, successful. They, too, were broken, tainted, scarred, a mess. He uses anyone to be His chosen vessel. Will He use you? Of course, yes!

Moses was an orphan, has a speech problem,
but God chose Him to be a leader of His people

Abraham was old,
but He was chosen to be a father of His nation

Gideon was afraid,
but He won the battle without lifting a weapon

Joseph was betrayed and imprisoned,
but became the second king

Esther spoke to a prideful king
and the king listened to her

Daniel’s roommate was a lion
and yet he was able to tame it

Jonah ran from God and was stuck in a big fish
and Nineveh repented

Peter was a coward; denied Christ three times,
but he became the church’s rock

Paul was imprisoned and persecuted Christians before He became one,
but He was chosen to be His disciple

Job went bankrupt
David was a murderer and adulterer
Samson was a womanizer
Noah was a drunk
Jeremiah and Timothy were too young
Naomi was a widow
Martha was a worrier
Leah was ugly
Elijah was suicidal
Lazarus was dead
The disciples fell asleep while praying
Mary Magdalene was a prostitute
Saul was a bad king

And all these people was used by God to build His nation and lead His people.
God uses flawed people to be a hope in this flawed world.

All of us have our curvy edges and deep holes in our souls. We are all, but sinners. Sinners, but are saved by God’s precious son, Jesus Christ. That’s how much He loves you, that’s how much He loves us. And YES, no matter how sinful we may be, we all can be a vessel of love and a blessing to others. He can and will use anyone of us, no buts and what’s if. He will use to be His storyteller, to be a bearer of hope, love, and light.

And when He’s calling you, I hope you’ll answer it with a yes.

“God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called.”

Emotions [Can Be] Are Beautiful, too

Being emotional is beautiful. Being able to feel things deeply is beautiful. It’s not being an attention seeker, it simply means you acknowledge every emotion handed to you by the universe. (Okay, I know a lot of you may disagree with me on this. And it’s okay. This is just my opinion). You were made by the greatest artist to feel everything without any intention of you being burdened. You were made to feel everything so that you can share with everyone the beauty of emotion. It’s not a sign of weakness, but it shows how brave you are, how courageous you are to receive every feeling with open hands. Sweetheart, I hope you consider this as a gift. Yes, a gift. A gift that is meant to be shared with everyone. A gift because you are able to empathize and sympathize with others on what they feel, and be a light-bearer during the dark days of their lives.

But we can’t deny the fact that sometimes these emotions are too much to handle. We become overwhelmed with everything that sometimes we just want to explode. I know, I have felt that too. And truth is, it sucks to feel everything. It sucks to be emotional. It’s tiring to be emotional. And through the years of dealing with different emotions that made my heart a home, this is what I realized, you have to let it out! Don’t imprison whatever you feel, because sooner, your heart will become crowded to the point that it becomes hard for you to breathe. Leave your door open, and welcome them with open arms, but when it’s the time to let them go, hold the door open for them. Let them go with open arms, too.

It takes courage to admit to ourselves what we’re feeling. And I hope and pray, we will have that courage to do it. Emotions are powerful, they can wreck and build you to be the best of who you are. Use it to your advantage, sweetheart.

Don’t be afraid to admit that you’re not okay, that you are in pain. Don’t be afraid to speak up about it. It’s okay to let other people know that you are not in your best condition. They are there for you not only during your glorious and brighter days but also they are there to hear you, to catch you when you feel like falling, to help you carry the baggage. It’s okay to be weak sometimes. It’s okay to ask for people’s company when you are not okay. Let them also see your rough edges. I know that some of you may not agree with me with this (again), but I encourage everyone to not shut down other people when they want to reach out.

And pray for it. Pray for everything that you are feeling.
Your emotions are not your enemies. Embrace them because you know what? Emotions can be your friends, too.

Know that when everything is so much to handle, He is in control.

After all, He’s the source of everything.

 

 

 

An open letter to my current self

Jean,

I’m sitting in this old wooden chair right now, staring at this blank page with a tired and pale face, sweaty and trembling hands, trying to catch every letter in the alphabet to weave it into words and sentences that can do something magical in your life but, I never thought it will be this difficult.

In your nineteen years of existence, I believe it was full of big dreams and worst nightmares. It was nineteen years of swimming with the monsters and fairies in this sea of life. And within those years, I know you’ve felt every emotion- bliss and sadness, anger and faith, fear and trust, courage and anxiety, lost and love. I want to write you a letter to remind (reassure) you that you do masterpieces and you are a masterpiece.

I am so proud of what and who you are today. I’m glad you made it this far. I am so happy to see you smiling. And yes, I know, there may be times that life seems to have a fever that affects your whole system, there may be days when you cry yourself to sleep, there may be days when you’re making your coffee and the thought of being not enough hits you, there may be days when He seems to be far away, and you know what? There will always be days like that, and that’s okay. You are allowed to get hurt, but I hope you don’t let it consume you (not again).

I want to remind you that nightmares may not rhyme with dreams but it can stitch your fate in a way you have never imagined. Don’t give up on yourself the way others did. It was not your faith in God that failed you; it was your faith in people who brought pain and bitterness in your heart. Forgive others and forgive yourself. You are your own hero. No, God is your hero. Let go and let God do the wonders. Don’t let sadness and depression paralyze your mind. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Be kind to yourself as you do with people. Be soft and be brave. Remember, you’re more than a princess, you’re a princess’ warrior. Free that warrior inside you.

I challenge you to dream big dreams and to be blessed and be a blessing. Let your hands always be open to catch God’s graces. And even challenges. You get scratches and bruises from catching life’s problems, and that’s okay. Your scars are not a shame. Your scars bear the greatest story of your life.

Get rid of those dark thoughts you have; and swim in the ocean full of hope, happiness, faith, and courage. Take the risk of trying new things and to trust again. I dare you to be in love; be in love with your own mind and heart, be in love with people, be in love with yourself, be in love with life, and to keep on falling in love with the every atom that composes this universe. Always keep in mind that this life is a roller coaster ride, that in spite of the bitterness of life, happiness will always be worthwhile. Never stop on realizing things, learning, and growing. Paint your life with the different color shades that are therein. And out of the many colors of the string of fate and life, I believe you will pick colors that have lessons that are worth learning for. I believe in you and so the others who give importance to your existence.

Believe that you will always be prayed and loved for. You’re bigger than all your flaws and problems summed up. You’re bigger than you fears and pain. You’re bigger than all those things. And God is bigger than anything. He sees you, sweetheart, he sees you. He wants you to be saved. Cling on to Him. Don’t let go of His hand. No, not ever. And never ever forget to pray.

You are a work of art- engraved by the Great Artist. You are a masterpiece created by the Most High who is worth more than anything. Thus, YOU matter. You always matter.

Lovingly hoping,
Yourself 

 

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P.S. Don’t lose that smile. Please.

 

What I Have Discovered About Love

I am a firm believer of magic, fairytales, happy ever after, forever- a believer of love.
It may sound so childish to still believe in those things, but doesn’t we used to believe in them? To dream about our own love story or how the journey of our love life will unfold?

love love and everything about it.
It makes me happy seeing couples who hold hands while walking. I love hearing partners who say I love you to their love one. I never get tired of watching chick flicks movies no matter how predictable it is. I won’t stop listening to love songs. I’ll never get tired of crying every time I finished a romantic book because I still don’t want to let go of the story. I’ll never get tired of listening to my friends love stories no matter how childish and cliche it seems. I won’t stop watching wedding videos and listening to the couple’s wedding vows. Because I love it. I love how people can become soft and gentle when their hearts are full of love. I love everything about love.

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When I was a child I was excited to grow up to be able to know how it is to love someone. I was so eager to know more about it, to see more of its magic.

And throughout the years this is what I have discovered:

  1. You can fall in love multiple times.

I’ve fallen in love countless of times. I fall every time my father kisses my forehead, every reminder of my mother, and every sweet gesture of my brother. I fall in love with the sunrise and to how the light creeps into the darkness. I fall in love with how the sky flashes its feelings through its color. I fall in love every setting of the sun, of how it gives way for the moon to breathe. I fall in love with the scars carved in my being, they were a bittersweet and beautiful reminder of my past. I fall in love with the smell of the ground after the rain and the taste of my favorite coffee. I fall in love with every hug and kiss, smile and tears, laughter and frowns, “I love you/s” and “I miss you/s,” I share with different people in this world. I fall in love a thousand times in between moments and million times before. I may not able to remember when the first time was, but I knew it was also magical. You don’t only fall in love with people, you fall in love with every little thing that composes this world.

  1. Love hurts.

I’ve seen how love ruined people, of how it took away others lives; of how it broke many hearts; of how many lungs were intoxicated and lips were burned. I’ve seen people suffer because of it. Love hurts, and love heals. Through raging storms and wild winds, we forgot that love stayed as it is. Those times when we feel love left us, it was only just around the corner, looking at us, whispers- “I’m sorry.” And these are the times I choose to let love invade me because I know, it has nothing to do with my pain. It has always been the circumstances and the person involved. And I’m sorry I will never blame love for it. So, no matter how painful it brings, I will always choose to love in all possible ways. Love hurts… No, love is not supposed to hurt, it heals. I, too, have been hurt because of love. For all the tears, pain, and scars left by love, it doesn’t make me love it less. And every time love appears in front of me, I just can’t stop myself from falling for it.

  1. Sometimes, the love you give won’t be reciprocated, and that’s okay.

One of the things my parents taught me is to love fully and unapologetically. Sometimes people will fail to reciprocate the love you’re giving them and it hurts. So much. But, that’s not the very reason why you choose to love, right? You love them because you love them., and not because you are expecting something in return. Yes, we yearn to feel appreciated and loved, who doesn’t? I, too, longs for that. But, I was reminded of God’s love, that no matter how many times we reject His love, He still accepts and continues to love us more each passing day. I am not saying you have to stay in an unrequited love, but you have to accept that the person doesn’t love you the way you want to be loved. Acceptance is part of loving.

  1. Continue to love, anyway.

I just can see any other way to live, but to love everything, even the messiest part of love. Because the truth is, it’s love that makes this world more beautiful.

There maybe days that love seems too out of reach, but love never fails to come closer, again. It’s the most beautiful thing about it, it doesn’t leave. It stays. Always knocking at your door, and it’s up to you if you’ll welcome it.

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And I am looking forward to more love moments with people, with life, and with the universe. I will continue to love fully, loudly, boldly, and unafraid. I will always choose to love. Because when you love, you become kind, gentle, and soft.