IDK

These past weeks has been so hard, rough, exhausting, and frustrating. I took a hundred steps backward to calm myself, to hide for a moment. I thought I was safe, but it’s still there following me. The shivers, the sweat, the screams and the cries, NOT AGAIN.

I was done with this war. Or maybe I thought was done with it. I don’t have the strength to fight against the monsters. They’re here again. They’re digging up the graves that have been forgotten. Wounds opening up again. Scars that has long been beautiful in my eyes, feels like a stained paint I wanna washed. I am tired of this. I cry every day wishing my tears would drown them, but I didn’t know they know how to swim. I was hoping for a light, that maybe it’ll lead me way out. But there was only a lighthouse, but no light. I was okay. Or maybe I was just convincing myself all along that I was okay.

Last night, I had to convince myself why I should not cut through this wrist. Tonight, my brother knocked on my room to ask me if what am I doing inside or if I was okay. And I swear, I heard fear and guilt in his voice as if he would consider himself suspect if I ended it all tonight.

I cried again.

I don’t know what to do.

 

Or maybe I know, I just have to figure how to do it…

 

 

 

And if tomorrow’s sunrise wakes me up,
Please help me to live one more day. And then goodbye.

IDK

This is what I learned from regret

It was the fifth time my college Psychology professor told us that there are two kinds of regrets, (1) regrets from things you have done and said, and (2) things you have not done and have not said. And always, always the latter hurts the most and will haunt you for the rest of your life.

And this is the reason why I can’t just keep to myself how much I care and love the people in my circle. I always end up telling them. Every time. Randomly.

And you know what? It feels good to be vocal about your feelings. It’s good to let them know how much you care and love them. It’s good to remind them that even in this busy world, there will always be someone who remembers them. It’s good. It’s good…

But sometimes, it hurts, too. It hurts because oftentimes you get rejected, you’re taken for granted, you’re being laughed at for being clingy, and yes, you sound so weird. It hurts, but it’s good.

But no matter how hurtful it may seem, the fact that you were able to remind people of how much they are loved, that there will always be people who will believe in them, that they will always have someone whom they can lean on, makes everything so worth it.

I was raised by my parents to always express our love and care to everyone because we never know what will happen, we never know how things will turn out in the future. It may be too late for us to tell them that we care and love them. You’ll spend your whole life wondering what would have happened if you had the courage to let it out. Let it out or else you’ll stay hung up In your feelings forever.

I am hopeful to life, hopeful to people.
I don’t care how will they see me for being open about my love and care, I will continue to be vocal about it.

Because honestly, sometimes, it’s the “I’m here for you, always,” “You are prayed,” “Thank you for existing,” “You are loved,” are the words we need.

I don’t want to spend my years staying inside my own shell, protecting my own feelings, hiding everything. No. I want to be honest, open, and hopeful.

And I’ll start it by telling you, “I will be with you when you are at your highest, clapping my hands for you, and I will be with you with arms open when you feel like the world is against you. Yes, I will always be here for you because I care for you. Always have, always will.”

This is what I learned from regret

YOU

It was you
It’s still you
the person my mind keeps on screaming;
the name I write at the back of my notebooks;
the subject of my write-ups;
the receiver of my love notes;
the thought in my mind;
the blood running through my veins;
the air to every breath;
the color to my world;
everything is about you
It was you,
It’s still you,
i see you in all things,
in every blue and yellow;
in moments of grey,
and days it rained red.
you, you, you,
it’s you all along
and forever will be

YOU

burnt pages

i wonder why i always let people come into the story
offer them some of the pages of the book
letting them spill their selves
always trying to array their lost letters
for them to be a complete paragraph
but always, always, at the end of every chapter
they choose to burn the pages
where they have written their parts
and it hurts to see them turn to ashes

burnt pages

I’m Drunk, I Love You feels

My I’m Drunk, I Love You feels have been long overdue, but I just can’t stop it.

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My friends and I decided to watch I’m Drunk, I Love You on the last day of showing of the movie and it was so good, more than good. This movie just hits me right in the feels. I understand that there are some who can’t relate to it, but those who have experienced unrequited love and those who love to drink beer may actually love the style and the transition of the scenes in the movie. Everything is just so realistic.

It just portrays that love is not all about how long you have been with the person or how deep your friendship is, and sometimes love may occur (we thought) at the right time, but with the wrong person. Love makes you wait, not for a happy ending with the person you’re waiting, but with yourself.

I’m Drunk, I Love You is not your typical and cliche love story between boy-girl best friends. It’s not a story of boy meets girl, the girl fell in love with her best friend and endured a one-sided love for years, hoping that the guy is also in love with her and see her not as his best friend, but as a woman. And poof happy ever after. No. That’s not how this movie goes. I’m Drunk, I Love You has no dramatic lines, no absurd scenes, no melodramatic twist and turns, it’s all pure realistic storytelling of one-sided love with a best friend.

The aesthetics, the realistic scenes, the dialogues, the characters, the music, everything was just so perfect!

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And here are some of the things I learned from the movie:

  1. Live at your own pace.

Dio has been struggling with his insecurities and frustrations on his ambitions. He compares himself to his classmates that have made a name for themselves, those who have earned various opportunities and acclaim in the film industry.

And in one way or another, at some point in our lives, we have been like Dio. We have compared ourselves to others who have achieved great things at their young age. We become frustrated to the point that we look down on ourselves already. We feel helpless, hopeless, and left behind. But we have to remember that life is not a race.  It’s okay to be competitive, but we must not lose ourselves in the competition we are in. We have to live our lives at our own pace and to persevere in reaching and achieving our goals and dreams.

  1. Time check

I love the wisdom behind Jason Ty’s “Time check-,” it simply reminds us that clock is ticking, time is running, some things must be said and done. It’s a reminder for us that we are here on Earth to live, and sometimes we can’t grow if we won’t let ourselves grow. It’s a reminder for Carson and for us that we won’t be able to move on if we won’t give ourselves the closure we want.

  1. Say it and Let go

It takes a lot of courage to admit to the person you’re in love with him (for seven years) especially if he’s your best friend. But you’ll never be able to move on without letting it out. You’ll spend the rest of your life wondering how things would have to turn out.

And if you had the courage to tell him how you really feel, you also have to be brave in accepting his response because not every “I love you” is answered with “I love you, too,” sometimes you’ll get an “I’m sorry” in return.

The movie reminds us to take every chance and drop every fear – to be brave. Carson has been on the cliff for seven years- her love for Dio, her overstay in the university or her delayed graduation. And this shows us that sometimes we have to take the chance for us to move forward and be free.

  1. There will always be a PatHy (yes with an H) in every story

Of course, there will always be a Pathy in a relationship, a past Pathy, a could have been Pathy, a Pathy that will suddenly appear, but a Pathy will never be a threat as long as the love between both of you is true; as long as there is trust; as long as you’re both honest with each other. And sometimes a Pathy is not a rival, but a reminder why you’re better off friends with the person.

  1. We always have that Jason Ty in our lives

Jason Ty is Carson’s gay best friend, and like any other close friends we have, we always have that one person that’s been our rock in times when katangahan hits us. There will always be that Jason Ty who always tells us about our foolishness, but never leaves you hanging. The person who will support you always, but never fails to remind us when to stop. And like Jason Ty, we all just want to be loved.

  1. You can be a Carson

We have been Carson in one way or another. We have been in an unrequited love with our best friend or to someone. We continue to hope and wish even if the answer to our questions is right in front of us. “Iba pa rin pala pag sinampal na sayo ang katotohanan.” It took her 7 years to confess her feelings. That long. But the moment she said “Ga-graduate na ako. Ga-graduate na ako sa lahat (sa feelings ko for Dio),” was a sign of empowerment (for me) to accept the things you can’t change. It was heartbreaking because it feels so real (been there), and we can’t help but weep with her.

7. You’re not a loser for loving someone who can’t love you back.

8. It takes a lot of courage to conquer our fears

We are scared. All of us. Of what we’ll do with our lives. The responsibilities entailed to us. What we will do after we graduate. Are we gonna be successful? Who knows. The burden on our shoulders is sometimes getting heavier that it scares the shit out all of us. But, as what I said in number 1, we should live at our own pace. We are scared and that’s okay, but we should not let it win over our determination to achieve everything.

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This movie is just tragically beautiful. Carson and Dio may not have ended together, but sure there friendship bosom to be stronger.

Some may disagree on how the movie has ended, but I actually agree on how things have turned out to be in the end. It’s funny that I am more into happy endings and happy-ever-after endings, but I have enjoyed it, really. I love it so much. They are just there in their favorite place, drinking their favorite beer, butterball, Carson breaking the silence with “Graduate na ako,” their simple and genuine laugh, everything was just so perfect.

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I’m Drunk, I Love You has been a great reminder for us that we can be foolish, reckless, drunk, carefree, and believe on that YOLO principle, but above this, everything has its own limits.

And at the point when love isn’t reciprocated, when you’ve laid everything on hold, you exposed yourself the way Carson did and you got a similar reaction from Dio, would you forget everything and move on? Is love more important than friendship? Or is friendship more important than love? Will you keep hoping that he will love you back the way you love him? Or will you just let it go?

As what I’ve said, this movie is just everything.
And like the quote that was written in Jason Ty’s wall in his room, “Umibig parati at muli.”

Yes, #toalwayslove.

5/5 stars.

 

I’m Drunk, I Love You feels

God can use you, too, a sinner.

Everyone at some point had shown their prejudices against people. We tend to judge them based on what we only know about them, which is only an excerpt of their stories. We find most people who are in hopeless situations to be hopeless, too. But, we forgot that God is working out behind the scenes. Nobody believes in them. Nobody believed in them more than God did. In fact, in one way or another, we have been one of those people who has felt not being good enough, hopeless, unworthy, and not qualified to be used by God. But would God use our imperfections and flaws against us? Will he use that to stop us from serving Him and His people because we are broken, in pain, a mess? I guess not. That’s not how I’ve known my God.

God’s chosen people were not perfect, golden, successful. They, too, were broken, tainted, scarred, a mess. He uses anyone to be His chosen vessel. Will He use you? Of course, yes!

Moses was an orphan, has a speech problem,
but God chose Him to be a leader of His people

Abraham was old,
but He was chosen to be a father of His nation

Gideon was afraid,
but He won the battle without lifting a weapon

Joseph was betrayed and imprisoned,
but became the second king

Esther spoke to a prideful king
and the king listened to her

Daniel’s roommate was a lion
and yet he was able to tame it

Jonah ran from God and was stuck in a big fish
and Nineveh repented

Peter was a coward; denied Christ three times,
but he became the church’s rock

Paul was imprisoned and persecuted Christians before He became one,
but He was chosen to be His disciple

Job went bankrupt
David was a murderer and adulterer
Samson was a womanizer
Noah was a drunk
Jeremiah and Timothy were too young
Naomi was a widow
Martha was a worrier
Leah was ugly
Elijah was suicidal
Lazarus was dead
The disciples fell asleep while praying
Mary Magdalene was a prostitute
Saul was a bad king

And all these people was used by God to build His nation and lead His people.
God uses flawed people to be a hope in this flawed world.

All of us have our curvy edges and deep holes in our souls. We are all, but sinners. Sinners, but are saved by God’s precious son, Jesus Christ. That’s how much He loves you, that’s how much He loves us. And YES, no matter how sinful we may be, we all can be a vessel of love and a blessing to others. He can and will use anyone of us, no buts and what’s if. He will use to be His storyteller, to be a bearer of hope, love, and light.

And when He’s calling you, I hope you’ll answer it with a yes.

“God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called.”

God can use you, too, a sinner.

Emotions [Can Be] Are Beautiful, too

Being emotional is beautiful. Being able to feel things deeply is beautiful. It’s not being an attention seeker, it simply means you acknowledge every emotion handed to you by the universe. (Okay, I know a lot of you may disagree with me on this. And it’s okay. This is just my opinion). You were made by the greatest artist to feel everything without any intention of you being burdened. You were made to feel everything so that you can share with everyone the beauty of emotion. It’s not a sign of weakness, but it shows how brave you are, how courageous you are to receive every feeling with open hands. Sweetheart, I hope you consider this as a gift. Yes, a gift. A gift that is meant to be shared with everyone. A gift because you are able to empathize and sympathize with others on what they feel, and be a light-bearer during the dark days of their lives.

But we can’t deny the fact that sometimes these emotions are too much to handle. We become overwhelmed with everything that sometimes we just want to explode. I know, I have felt that too. And truth is, it sucks to feel everything. It sucks to be emotional. It’s tiring to be emotional. And through the years of dealing with different emotions that made my heart a home, this is what I realized, you have to let it out! Don’t imprison whatever you feel, because sooner, your heart will become crowded to the point that it becomes hard for you to breathe. Leave your door open, and welcome them with open arms, but when it’s the time to let them go, hold the door open for them. Let them go with open arms, too.

It takes courage to admit to ourselves what we’re feeling. And I hope and pray, we will have that courage to do it. Emotions are powerful, they can wreck and build you to be the best of who you are. Use it to your advantage, sweetheart.

Don’t be afraid to admit that you’re not okay, that you are in pain. Don’t be afraid to speak up about it. It’s okay to let other people know that you are not in your best condition. They are there for you not only during your glorious and brighter days but also they are there to hear you, to catch you when you feel like falling, to help you carry the baggage. It’s okay to be weak sometimes. It’s okay to ask for people’s company when you are not okay. Let them also see your rough edges. I know that some of you may not agree with me with this (again), but I encourage everyone to not shut down other people when they want to reach out.

And pray for it. Pray for everything that you are feeling.
Your emotions are not your enemies. Embrace them because you know what? Emotions can be your friends, too.

Know that when everything is so much to handle, He is in control.

After all, He’s the source of everything.

 

 

 

Emotions [Can Be] Are Beautiful, too